Always at night

Why does it always hit me at night? This feeling of udder loss and sadness?  Why do I allow my brain to think of the things that I know will make me sad?  After 3+ years you would think that I would have these types of feelings under control. That I'd be able to think of my first baby and not cry.  It's always at night that the thoughts and memories come back to me.  Hunter was our first baby.  He represents all of my hopes and dreams.  Losing him was like loosing a piece of myself.

And then come the feelings of dismay.  We had our families in to see Hunter.  He was only 16 weeks.  He didn't look much like a full-term baby at all, he looked more like a little alien. Should we have subjected them to that?  We buried Hunter in a beautiful, tiny white casket. We had a grave site service for him and we gave him a headstone of his own.  Did we go too far? Did we grieve too hard?

After Kathleen lost Seth I felt that maybe we acted a little ridiculous when Hunter died.  I didn't even feel Hunter move.  I barely had a belly bump belly (and that was only when I was sticking it out). 

He was so tiny when he was born, the nurse wrapped him in a hat.  Isaac and I were the only ones to see him fully.  We unwrapped that hat to see our first baby. 

I remember having so much faith that everything would be okay.  I had done research and I felt prepared to handle the problems and issues he would have WHEN he was born.  I knew that it was a possibility that he would die before birth but I never really accepted that it would happen to us.  I remember when we were at the amnio appointment.  Isaac and I were joking around that pregnancy was the best weight loss program I had been on (I had lost weight).  I recall seeing the nurse hand the US wand over to the doctor and I think I knew right away.  Then I heard those awful words "There is no heartbeat."  And just like that my perfect little world came crashing down all around me.

I miss the innocence of pregnancy.  My life is forever tainted by the loss of my first baby.

Restaurants and change tables

In my humble opinion, if a restaurant advertises a "Kids eat free" night then they should definitely offer diaper change stations.

I've been very disappointed in the availability of them in the restaurants we have visited recently.

3 years

It`s been 3 years since we lost our first baby Hunter.  It has also been 6 months since my nephew Seth was born sleeping.  We went to the cemetery today with roses and balloons.  We laid a rose on each of the boy`s graves (they are beside each other) and released balloons.

 

We also added a balloon for Cameron who was a baby from my What To Expect: January Babies group.

No, I didn't forget...

I know I haven't posted in a LONG time.  No, I didn't forget about my blog, I just don't know how to continue.

My last post was my "befores" post.  I had hoped that posting it would convince me that I need to do something about my weight.  I still have no idea what I'm doing.  All I know is that I've GAINED another 6 pounds since starting.  Coincidentally I started a new birth control 4 weeks ago.  I'm wondering if that might be at least PART of my problem.

You know it must be bad when your own mother-in-law is inviting you to her aerobics class. :s  I know she's just trying to help but it just makes it real, you know?

I went dress shopping with two of my sisters today.  My little sister, Heather, is getting married in October and I'm going to be one of the bridesmaids.  Eek!  That should be the kick in the ass that I need to get moving.

I have been going for more walks, especially when the weather has been nice.  The last few days have been SO freaking windy.  I can't wait for Summer!

The "Befores"

So, I'm nervous about doing this but I'm going to go ahead and just do it.

I FEEL FAT.

I know, I know, I just had a baby (9 weeks ago tomorrow!).  I don't like the way I look.  This stomach pooch is too much for me.  I don't feel sexy.  I don't feel beautiful.  I feel blah.

Confession: I'm still wearing my maternity jeans, every day. 

Even bigger confession:  I never stopped wearing them in between my pregnancies.

There.  I said it.

The problem is that I have NO IDEA what to do and how to fix it.  I've never been on a diet or exercise program.  When I Google those two words the results are ENDLESS!  I have no idea what would work for me.

What has worked for you?  I'm open to any and all suggestions.  Keep in mind that I'm breastfeeding. I also don't have a lot of time in between caring for a newborn and chasing after a toddler.

For now I am just going to try and make healthier choices where possible.

And here's what I've been dreading.  The "before" pictures:

(Don't ask me why the scale picture won't turn right side up)

Liquid Gold

Today I am mourning the loss of liquid gold.  Let me explain.

There's this doctor.  He's trying to figure out why my one eyelid looks like this:

To do that, the doctor ordered a CT Scan.  I had that scan this morning.  What he failed to tell me was that I couldn't breastfeed for 48 hours after the scan.

Fine, right?  Maybe he didn't know I was breastfeeding, right?  Except that while I was sitting in the chair right in front of him, having my eyes checked etc....I WAS BREASTFEEDING OWEN!

Still shouldn't be THAT big of a deal you say? Owen has only ever CHOKED back on two ounce bottle and now he was going to have to go to straight bottles.

Luckily enough I had a minimal freezer stash of pumped breast milk I could give him.  We are QUICKLY running through that.

Here comes the "Liquid Gold".  While Owen is being given bottles I need to keep pumping in order to keep my supply up.  I then have to pour this super valuable (aka Liquid Gold) down the drain.

But, I decided to make lemonade out of this lemon and partake of a few missed beverages! :)

Baby Jacob

So, before Owen was born we bought Austin a doll.  Our intention was to give Austin the doll FROM Owen so that he had a baby to take care of as well. 

I decided to name the doll for him since anytime you ask him what a toy's name is he'd say "Autin" (Austin).  I always liked the name Jacob but those of you who know us well enough to know our last name would understand why Jake wouldn't work.

Anyways, Austin and I were playing with his toys the other night during a random "Owen-is-sleeping" moment.  He picked up "Jaybob" and told me "EAT!" so I asked him to show me how he feeds his baby.

Below is the result:

1 hour date

So I've been thinking for a while that Isaac and I haven't been out by ourselves for a very.long.time.  We were overdue.  We dropped the boys off at the in-laws house and went to Coffee Culture in Exeter.  I ordered a hot chocolate, Isaac asked for a cafe-mocha and we decided to share a piece of chocolate cake.

We sat down at a table (all the big comfy arm chairs were occupied) and proceeded to eat, talk and sip.  After a few mouthfuls of my hot chocolate Isaac asked me if I had drank out of the opposite side of the cup.  I said no and looked to see why he was asking.  There was a lipstick lip mark.  I don't wear, or even OWN lipstick.  Eww.

These things seem to happen to me.  I've had hair, bugs and twist ties in my food in various restaurants.  I don't know if I just notice these things more then the average person.

Isaac brought the mug back up to the counter and the girl's excuse was that "It's hard to get lipstick off."  I don't care how hard it is, you do it!  And you don't give out a mug that is still dirty!  Isaac's too nice though.  So I got a new mug with a new drink.

When we were leaving, Isaac wanted to get a muffin for breakfast the next morning.  The owner(?) was the one that served him.  She had her daughter(? 8-10 years old maybe) behind the counter with her.  I was nice and told her that one of her signs was backwards.  So it's the daughter that is reaching her hands and arms over all the trays of food to reach to the front of the display case to turn the sign around.  Lovely, I'm pretty sure that's not very sanitary.

Not sure if we'll be returning.

Followers?

Wow, I didn't really think anyone was even reading this blog yet and now I've got two followers!  Exciting, thanks!  BUT it doesn't show me who you are.  Comment here or send me an email to let me know.

6 weeks

I can't believe that Owen is 6 weeks old already (yesterday).  These weeks have gone by so much faster with Owen then they did with Austin, probably because I've got the two boys to take care of.

Owen did NOT sleep well last night.  And, of course, I was sick last night too.  Trying to care for a crying baby while feeling like crying myself was not fun.  I'm feeling a little better now and Owen has had a laid back morning so hopefully it was just a one off.

We slept in pretty late this morning because we were up so often last night.  Owen slept pretty well once we brought him into bed with us.  When I went to go get Austin up he was STARK NAKED.  Apparently he had been awake for a while and got quite bored waiting for us to come get him.  Luckily he didn't have a dirty diaper, this time!

Isaac took Austin with him today to the Lucan Lanes to go bowling for Big Brothers Big Sisters.  I'm grateful for the break and glad that Austin is getting some quality time with Daddy.

John (my father-in-law) has been here for the last few hours breaking a hole in the cement floor in the basement to install a second sump pump to try and help with the flooding issue.  I really hope this fixes the problem because it's been quite the ordeal so far.

Wet Basement

Sigh, the joy of Spring. Our basement has been flooding. Nothing crazy like five feet of water or anything, but still, water, in the house. :( The first time we noticed it the sub pump seemed to be clogged. It was constantly running. You could tell because it was making waves in the "pond". I like Spring so much more then Winter (even though this isn't really Spring yet, just a random warm period) but I don't love this particular effect. Bring on Summer I say. There's nothing wrong with that!

Stupid Bank!

Oh grr.  I am NOT happy with my bank tonight.  I checked my bank account tonight and noticed a $40 charge that SHOULD NOT BE. 

A while ago I was having a hard time remembering to pay my Master Card bill on time.  Solution: Set up an automatic bill payment through my bank.  That should fix it right?  WRONG! 

I'm still trying to get used to the reduced income that maternity leave has brought me.  We are NOT poor.  We HAVE money, it just wasn't in the right account.  I swear.

Tell me, if you have an automatic bill payment set up and you DON'T have enough money in that account, what happens?  It just doesn't go through, right?  Alternatively, if you set up an automatic withdrawl with the credit card company and the money is not in the account, you get charged with an NSF, right? 

Well, I didn't have enough money in my chequing account and was charged a $40 NSF charge (you could probably tell based on this rant).

I am beyond pissed.  I'm sure it's probably written in the fine print somewhere but I will definitely be calling tomorrow morning to complain and hopefully get the charge reversed.

Nap time!

Oye.  So I just put my non-napping toddler down for a nap.  He's been soo tired today (laying all over the floor etc) that I figured it was necessary.  This child has not had a regular nap for probably close to a year.  I followed his bedtime routine (milk, books, goodnight lights, music, hugs and kisses).   He FREAKED.  He's still crying 8 minutes later, although it's less dramatic. I really hope he goes to sleep, even if it's just for a half hour or so.

Hmm, 10 minutes in and all is quiet.  Owen is sleeping right now too.  This is nice.  Hmm, I wonder if I make this a regular happening...

Anyone have any suggestions for starting a 22 month old on a regular nap schedule?

Monday (I think), February 28, 2011

Tonight I randomly remembered this blog.  I had forgotten it for such a long time.  I was never really a regular poster and didn't think I had any readers but apparently I was wrong.  I had quite a few comments from online Mommy friend's that I had never seen before.  I was touched.

I moved all of my old posts over to my other private blog because I still want to keep them, but I really wanted to make a fresh start tonight.

Stats:

Me: Rachel, 26
Husband: Isaac, 32
Married: 3 years, 5 1/2 months

Baby #1: Austin, 22 months
Baby #2: Owen, 5 weeks

I always feel conflicted when someone asks me how many children I have.  Those who know me know that I have lost 2 babies.  We lost our first baby, Hunter, in April 2008 when I was 15 weeks pregnant.  We then had Austin in April 2009.  We lost our third baby, Ethen, in March 2010.  Then we had Owen in January 2011.

I don't want to make people uncomfortable by mentioning my angel babies, but I'm sad when I feel like I'm hiding them.

BUT

I'm determined that this is not going to be a "miscarriage blog".  I will continue to mention them, but I hope not to focus on them.

Owen is now 5 weeks old.  I can't believe it!  Being Mommy to two kids has just started to get manageable.  I remember when Austin was young that it was right around the 6 week mark that I realized "Hey, I can DO this!" so I'm hoping that moment comes soon.

Owen is already smiling.  He started with a few random ones when he was just 3 weeks old.  Now I can pretty much get him to smile when I want, provided he's in a good mood.

Austin has been such a great big brother.  I totally expected to have had more jealous moments already but he's doing so great.  Not to say that he's perfect, he definitely knows how to push my buttons.  I just have to keep reminding myself that he's not even 2 yet.

Two weeks ago we had a mini photoshoot.  I hope I'll be able to remember how to share a few pictures.

Austin

 Owen



Family