Oh, so it's only been over 4 years since I have posted anything here. I don't even think anyone follows this blog (or ever did for that matter). It just feels nice to have things out of my mind and into print. I have tried writing them down pen and paper style but my hand can't quite keep up with the things that my mind spits out.
Life is a crazy amount of different from 4+ years ago. The boys and I are living on our own in Exeter. I split from Isaac in September 2014. Oh, and add another boy to the list. Evan was born in November 2013 making him about 21 months right now.
Evan had his first hair cut today. He lost his long hair at the back and generally looks like a little boy now instead of a baby.
Austin (yes, the boy down there pretending to feed "Jaybob") is about to start Grade 1. Owen is about to start Junior Kindergarten. Less then 2 weeks until the schedule and routine of school starts up again. It will be nice to have the structure back in our lives.
Life is generally chaotic most of the time. Things are difficult and challenging. I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. I often wish I had a magic ball that would show me my life 3 months or a year down the road, just so that I know things will work out for the best.
Friday, August 28, 2015
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Always at night
Why does it always hit me at night? This feeling of udder loss and sadness? Why do I allow my brain to think of the things that I know will make me sad? After 3+ years you would think that I would have these types of feelings under control. That I'd be able to think of my first baby and not cry. It's always at night that the thoughts and memories come back to me. Hunter was our first baby. He represents all of my hopes and dreams. Losing him was like loosing a piece of myself.
And then come the feelings of dismay. We had our families in to see Hunter. He was only 16 weeks. He didn't look much like a full-term baby at all, he looked more like a little alien. Should we have subjected them to that? We buried Hunter in a beautiful, tiny white casket. We had a grave site service for him and we gave him a headstone of his own. Did we go too far? Did we grieve too hard?
After Kathleen lost Seth I felt that maybe we acted a little ridiculous when Hunter died. I didn't even feel Hunter move. I barely had a belly bump belly (and that was only when I was sticking it out).
He was so tiny when he was born, the nurse wrapped him in a hat. Isaac and I were the only ones to see him fully. We unwrapped that hat to see our first baby.
I remember having so much faith that everything would be okay. I had done research and I felt prepared to handle the problems and issues he would have WHEN he was born. I knew that it was a possibility that he would die before birth but I never really accepted that it would happen to us. I remember when we were at the amnio appointment. Isaac and I were joking around that pregnancy was the best weight loss program I had been on (I had lost weight). I recall seeing the nurse hand the US wand over to the doctor and I think I knew right away. Then I heard those awful words "There is no heartbeat." And just like that my perfect little world came crashing down all around me.
I miss the innocence of pregnancy. My life is forever tainted by the loss of my first baby.
And then come the feelings of dismay. We had our families in to see Hunter. He was only 16 weeks. He didn't look much like a full-term baby at all, he looked more like a little alien. Should we have subjected them to that? We buried Hunter in a beautiful, tiny white casket. We had a grave site service for him and we gave him a headstone of his own. Did we go too far? Did we grieve too hard?
After Kathleen lost Seth I felt that maybe we acted a little ridiculous when Hunter died. I didn't even feel Hunter move. I barely had a belly bump belly (and that was only when I was sticking it out).
He was so tiny when he was born, the nurse wrapped him in a hat. Isaac and I were the only ones to see him fully. We unwrapped that hat to see our first baby.
I remember having so much faith that everything would be okay. I had done research and I felt prepared to handle the problems and issues he would have WHEN he was born. I knew that it was a possibility that he would die before birth but I never really accepted that it would happen to us. I remember when we were at the amnio appointment. Isaac and I were joking around that pregnancy was the best weight loss program I had been on (I had lost weight). I recall seeing the nurse hand the US wand over to the doctor and I think I knew right away. Then I heard those awful words "There is no heartbeat." And just like that my perfect little world came crashing down all around me.
I miss the innocence of pregnancy. My life is forever tainted by the loss of my first baby.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Restaurants and change tables
In my humble opinion, if a restaurant advertises a "Kids eat free" night then they should definitely offer diaper change stations.
I've been very disappointed in the availability of them in the restaurants we have visited recently.
I've been very disappointed in the availability of them in the restaurants we have visited recently.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
3 years
It`s been 3 years since we lost our first baby Hunter. It has also been 6 months since my nephew Seth was born sleeping. We went to the cemetery today with roses and balloons. We laid a rose on each of the boy`s graves (they are beside each other) and released balloons.
We also added a balloon for Cameron who was a baby from my What To Expect: January Babies group.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
No, I didn't forget...
I know I haven't posted in a LONG time. No, I didn't forget about my blog, I just don't know how to continue.
My last post was my "befores" post. I had hoped that posting it would convince me that I need to do something about my weight. I still have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is that I've GAINED another 6 pounds since starting. Coincidentally I started a new birth control 4 weeks ago. I'm wondering if that might be at least PART of my problem.
You know it must be bad when your own mother-in-law is inviting you to her aerobics class. :s I know she's just trying to help but it just makes it real, you know?
I went dress shopping with two of my sisters today. My little sister, Heather, is getting married in October and I'm going to be one of the bridesmaids. Eek! That should be the kick in the ass that I need to get moving.
I have been going for more walks, especially when the weather has been nice. The last few days have been SO freaking windy. I can't wait for Summer!
My last post was my "befores" post. I had hoped that posting it would convince me that I need to do something about my weight. I still have no idea what I'm doing. All I know is that I've GAINED another 6 pounds since starting. Coincidentally I started a new birth control 4 weeks ago. I'm wondering if that might be at least PART of my problem.
You know it must be bad when your own mother-in-law is inviting you to her aerobics class. :s I know she's just trying to help but it just makes it real, you know?
I went dress shopping with two of my sisters today. My little sister, Heather, is getting married in October and I'm going to be one of the bridesmaids. Eek! That should be the kick in the ass that I need to get moving.
I have been going for more walks, especially when the weather has been nice. The last few days have been SO freaking windy. I can't wait for Summer!
Friday, March 25, 2011
The "Befores"
So, I'm nervous about doing this but I'm going to go ahead and just do it.
I FEEL FAT.
I know, I know, I just had a baby (9 weeks ago tomorrow!). I don't like the way I look. This stomach pooch is too much for me. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel beautiful. I feel blah.
Confession: I'm still wearing my maternity jeans, every day.
Even bigger confession: I never stopped wearing them in between my pregnancies.
There. I said it.
The problem is that I have NO IDEA what to do and how to fix it. I've never been on a diet or exercise program. When I Google those two words the results are ENDLESS! I have no idea what would work for me.
What has worked for you? I'm open to any and all suggestions. Keep in mind that I'm breastfeeding. I also don't have a lot of time in between caring for a newborn and chasing after a toddler.
For now I am just going to try and make healthier choices where possible.
And here's what I've been dreading. The "before" pictures:
(Don't ask me why the scale picture won't turn right side up)
I FEEL FAT.
I know, I know, I just had a baby (9 weeks ago tomorrow!). I don't like the way I look. This stomach pooch is too much for me. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel beautiful. I feel blah.
Confession: I'm still wearing my maternity jeans, every day.
Even bigger confession: I never stopped wearing them in between my pregnancies.
There. I said it.
The problem is that I have NO IDEA what to do and how to fix it. I've never been on a diet or exercise program. When I Google those two words the results are ENDLESS! I have no idea what would work for me.
What has worked for you? I'm open to any and all suggestions. Keep in mind that I'm breastfeeding. I also don't have a lot of time in between caring for a newborn and chasing after a toddler.
For now I am just going to try and make healthier choices where possible.
And here's what I've been dreading. The "before" pictures:
(Don't ask me why the scale picture won't turn right side up)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Liquid Gold
Today I am mourning the loss of liquid gold. Let me explain.
There's this doctor. He's trying to figure out why my one eyelid looks like this:
To do that, the doctor ordered a CT Scan. I had that scan this morning. What he failed to tell me was that I couldn't breastfeed for 48 hours after the scan.
Fine, right? Maybe he didn't know I was breastfeeding, right? Except that while I was sitting in the chair right in front of him, having my eyes checked etc....I WAS BREASTFEEDING OWEN!
Still shouldn't be THAT big of a deal you say? Owen has only ever CHOKED back on two ounce bottle and now he was going to have to go to straight bottles.
Luckily enough I had a minimal freezer stash of pumped breast milk I could give him. We are QUICKLY running through that.
Here comes the "Liquid Gold". While Owen is being given bottles I need to keep pumping in order to keep my supply up. I then have to pour this super valuable (aka Liquid Gold) down the drain.
But, I decided to make lemonade out of this lemon and partake of a few missed beverages! :)
There's this doctor. He's trying to figure out why my one eyelid looks like this:
To do that, the doctor ordered a CT Scan. I had that scan this morning. What he failed to tell me was that I couldn't breastfeed for 48 hours after the scan.
Fine, right? Maybe he didn't know I was breastfeeding, right? Except that while I was sitting in the chair right in front of him, having my eyes checked etc....I WAS BREASTFEEDING OWEN!
Still shouldn't be THAT big of a deal you say? Owen has only ever CHOKED back on two ounce bottle and now he was going to have to go to straight bottles.
Luckily enough I had a minimal freezer stash of pumped breast milk I could give him. We are QUICKLY running through that.
Here comes the "Liquid Gold". While Owen is being given bottles I need to keep pumping in order to keep my supply up. I then have to pour this super valuable (aka Liquid Gold) down the drain.
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